Killin' Me Softly With His Song

My favorite new product at this year's Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas was the iTaser. It's just what it sounds like--an mp3 player combined with a Taser. So the next time I'm on the train, sitting across from some idiot who has his iPod TURNED UP SO LOUD I CAN HEAR IT CLEAR ACROSS THE AISLE EVEN THOUGH HE'S GOT THE EARPHONES IN, I'm for sure gonna think twice before I ask him to turn it down, 'cause I really don't need a 50,000-volt electric charge to spice up my day. If I did, I'd just go walk my dog around the Lower East Side and let Con-Ed electrocute us with some stray voltage.

The spokesman for the iTaser company says their product is aimed at women who want personal protection but usually choose to take a music player instead of a weapon with them when they go out. Now they can have both! "Personal protection can be both fashionable and functionable," he says. I'm not sure whether the leopard-print-design iTaser is supposed to be the functionable one, and I thought "personal protection" was a code word for tampons, but as far as I know they haven't come out with the iTampax yet. No way am I putting an iTaser up there, either.

Anyway, I'm all for combining weapons with traditionally nonviolent pursuits. My favorite Olympic sport is the biathlon, which combines skiing with shooting great big guns. I think it would be fun to combine shooting with other sports, too--like rhythmic gymnastics.
Just imagine some little girl running merrily across an exercise mat with a long ribbon, picking up a hoop and throwing it high over the judges' heads, and then whipping out a semi-automatic assault rifle and firing a few rounds through the center of the hoop as it spins in mid-air. THAT'S a perfect 10, for sure!

We had a guy in Brooklyn just this weekend who tried to add some explosive excitement to a sometimes tedious sport. When police arrested Ivaylo Ivanov in his Brooklyn Heights apartment, they found a pistol, a shotgun, a crossbow, a bullet-proof vest, some drilling equipment, and seven live pipebombs. Ivanov said the pipebombs were for fishing. Okay!  Maybe by this time next year we'll have the Popeil Pocket iBomb. 

Thanks for reading my blog post this time, and may God bless.

Comments

[Not present]

I decline to describe the cicumstances, but I witnessed at close range someone who was Tasered--not the dart-type object, but the thing that resembles an electric razor. There was no direct skin contact made, yet flesh burned, and the subject dropped to the ground in agony. This is what electronic manufacturers want to distribute?

[bartleby]

Tasering someone probably kills the batteries, so maybe carry a shuffle besides.

[Khazar Kaganovich]

It is quite possible that this Mossad agent from the Jewish Khazar tribe planned to attack the Neturei Karta and harm other anti-zionist jews, please see www.nkusa.org, http://iamthewitness.com …

Its really a divine mercy that he was caught in this way by his own mistake.

We will see, in the coming days, the zionist-neocon establishment trying to put a spin on this story. We already see that NY Times has hidden this story away from the front page on their website.

It is amazing that the police had 20 detectives working on this graffiti case, but for normal serious issues, they dont devote any man power to investigations. And despite that they FAILED to catch him. This is the height of incompetence of these and the FBI (FAILED BUREAU of INCOMPETENTS) which has not produced the anthrax mailer or made a categorical statement based on the pattern of anthrax letters that it was a false flag operation by non-mozlems.

[Listener Ole Einar Bjørndalen]

Glad you like the biathlon, DJ Bronwyn. Myself, I liked watching curling. But I think it's just because I enjoyed listening to Don Duguid and Don Chevrier so much.

By the way, how'd you like the way they made the biathletes ski around a penalty loop when they missed shots at the last Olympics instead of just adding seconds to their times?

[Dan]

Ha! I just saw a Second City show in Toronto and they had a commercial skit about the LadyTaser: a taser/mp3 player combo.

[Hippie Zingo]

"My favorite Olympic sport is the biathlon, which combines skiing with shooting great big guns."

Just for the record, they're not "great big guns," they're just .22 caliber target-shooting rifles, which are comparatively small. I mean, you still wouldn't want to get shot by one, but it's not like it would "blow your head clean off" as Dirty Harry famously said.