Guy's a Hack--And I'm Talking About Zimmern: An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Zimmern,

Congratulations...ya blew it.  Gary Kroeger, tell him what he's won!

Three months ago or thereabouts my wife, Angie, and I noticed on TV Guide Network the words "Bizarre Foods" one night listed as next on the Travel Channel, 'bout 9-ish, Central Standard.  Hmm, wonder how 'bizarre' he's talking, we ruminated.  Yeah, we'd been heavy mackin' on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives, Guy's Big Bite and Paula Deen's Home Cooking months longer before our new discovery.  Fieri pops nations hard with the Bloody Mary Flank Steaks and Paula is, without the slightest equivocation, on a solar system-wide mission to make sure every man, woman, child and extraterrestrial on God's green earth and the planets surrounding it is administered at least a quintuple bypass.  If it kills her, we'll all cross that bridge together having pounded down the fruit (pies) of a bountiful (Southern fried chicken) harvest.  Paula Deen got game, y'aw.

But, like curious little sculps, Angie and I just had to peek behind the Bizarre Foods curtain and see what all the carrying on was about.  OK, a guy willingly chews then swallows whole balut, goose intestines on bean sprouts and nutria?  This we have to see.

It was perfect.  A perfect show for this obsessed fan of the extremely maladjusted and strange in most categories (food very much included), even if the closest I've ever come to "thoroughly disgusting" or eating outside what is raised on a farm is unagi sushi and shark.  Angie, on the other hand, would rather have given mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to a shark.  You champion the lost (if not entirely unchartered) art of culinary masochism as well as travel the earth to further champion gastronomic awareness.  It's perfect American voyeurism for Americans who believe voyeurism is a grave and unforgivable sin or otherwise.  Short of interspersing the bull decapitation archival scenes from Mondo Cane throughout for comic relief, Bizarre Foods is (I should say was) cool and just over the top enough.

Until I read your blog.  You went too far.  You went way over the top.  Would over the top two layers of the Earth's crust just about do it?  You went further over the top than you would have if you'd eaten tempura-style fresh warthog feces.  You went further past it than I would ever dreamt of having gone if the two people you targeted had actually deserved it.  They didn't.  Paula Deen and Guy Fieri are two of the most genuinely cool and hilarious people on television.  Aside from that, they are courteous and respectful; if they can't be courteous and respectful, at least tactfully civil.  They are no doubt tactfully civil enough to stop and realize when they've said too much.  Mr. Zimmern, I believe this is your stop. 

Guy Fieri "coming off like an overly rehearsed hack...", huh?  Okay, if the narration over this part of the Vietnam episode where you're attempting to goad your host into eating a snake's gall bladder isn't "overly rehearsed", I'm the current Dalai Lama.  That's not polished, Andrew...that's shining the shoe until the damn scuff comes OFF.  Those four words in parentheses about Paula Deen?  You don't even want to know what I think of you now.  Got a pencil, a brand new notebook and a couple hours to spare?

How does it feel to lose a viewer and a fan?  Your comments themselves may have been as long as it takes you to chew and swallow a maggot, but they said more than every word in my post put together.

Thank you,

Jonathan 

Comments

[zombot]

perhaps if you lived in the town where traffic around paula deen's resteraunt has taken over the city planning, and tourists waiting to stand in line for hours to get her butter fried everything clog the streets, or you knew that her recipes come more from her help than her own imagination- you wouldn't be so quick to say she's one of the coolest people on television.

her exaggerated southern drawl is from neither savannah or atlanta. the way she pronounces y'all is more like "GNYAWL" and i have no idea what dialect that is. maybe it's the butter in her throat.

she's been spotted eating in other local home-run resteraunts in disguise taking notes.

i saw an episode where to show you how to make a cherry pie, and she used bought crust, filling, everything. that's a chef?

anyway, sorry to jack your blog. i just want to help spread the word that paula deen is a character actor and a hack as well.

carry on.

[Nicole]

Paula Deen is completely disgusting and horrible. I personally would rather eat a raft of maggots than suck down anything from her putrid "recipes." Also, I come to the WFMU blog to read about strange and cool music and media, not to read bizarre and overly defensive "OMG Paula Deen is totes awesome!!111" posts. This reads like something I'd see from some crazy 60 yr old housewife in my local paper.

[Tim]

I am still madly in love with him.

[Alison Randall]

This is a case where you might want to wait at least 10 minutes before going on a rant. The truth is, cool people who do creative things can be assholes, rude assholes. I personally don't think there's anyone on earth who has done anything worthwhile who hasn't burnt a few bridges, and pissed off a few people.

[John Freeman]

Paula Dean is an annoying rube. Andrew Zimmern...I could take or leave him. But Alton Brown of "GOOD EATS" fame is the only TV food show host that is worth a good god damn. End of line.

[zombot]

when all else fails, just imagine Nigella licking her way out of a giant bowl of batter or cream.

[Jonathan Steinke]

How unsettling is it when the only substantive comment I've gotten on this post is "I am still madly in love with him"?

Okay, first off, would it REALLY be too much to ask for those who've posited opinions in the negative to BACK THEM UP? Pisses me off. Tell me WHY Paula Deen is "compeletely disgusting and horrible" or an "annoying rube"; don't stinkpalm a nonchalant and unsubstantiated opinion out of your ass. Give me PROOF her Southern accent is exaggerated, not some fuckstick second-hand Chinese Telephone rumor. At WHICH restaurants has she been caught disguised and taking notes? "The truth is, cool people who do creative things can be assholes, rude assholes." Yes, they can. And, if my assumption is correct we are (again) referring to Paula Deen and/or the phrase "can be assholes" is actually meant as "Paula Deen or Guy Fieri ARE assholes", (again) WHY is he or she an asshole? This isn't systems immunology, boys and girls...unless you can back up a statement that has exactly NO pertinence beyond mere opinion, POUND IT.

[Nicole]

Dude, you are taking this way too seriously. I wouldn't even get that defensive if someone dissed my mom.

[Jonathan Steinke]

Defensive? "Defensive" would've been if I'd call you and the other commenters really VILE names or something. I am sorry for the 'boys and girls' bit at the end there; I can be very heat-of-the-moment opinionated and that was condescending of me. For the most part, though, I kept my gripes confined to what was said.

It's just I can't stand when people say or write they disagree on a topic or dislike a person or something about that person but do not back any of it up with intelligent, well-thought out reasons, that's all.

[Logan]

Sounds like some people are getting just a little too upset about what is, after all, just someone's opinion. Personally, I don't want to watch someone eat bugs and testicles, nor do I like to watch someone cook with a half tub of butter. But then again, I also think it's not cool for a celebrity (no matter how minor) to publicly dis another celeb. It's unprofessional. I mean, how many of us at our jobs could get away with standing in the middle of the office and saying something negative about a co-worker? It's already a proven fact that reality tv is partially scripted, so not only was this Zimmern being rude, he was the pot calling the kettle black when he referred to Fieri as an "overly rehearsed hack".

As far as the people who've written saying "Deen has done this and that"... well, I suppose it's possible. However, I agree with Jonathan and say back it up. Post a link to an article where she was witnessed doing/saying something negative. Post a picture where she's been spotted in a bad wig and sunglasses eating at Joe's House of Lard. Don't just spout off the top of your head, that's how flame wars get started.

As for Jonathan himself: chill, dude. It's just a blog. While I certainly agree with the sentiments you've posted, I think you're just a little too intense. Take a nap, eat some pie, take a long walk, and then decide if someone's negative post is worth getting worked up over.

That is all.

[andy]

Logan, you are way out of line!

[craig]

ummm - if this post doesn't turn out to be something 'meta' along the lines of "rock, rot or rule," i think someone needs to cancel their cablevision service and lower their caffeine intake...

[zombot]

my own sister saw paula deen and husband in disguise (hats and shades) eating in savannah's upcoming 'best kept secret' restaurant called 'sweet potatoes'. so that's where i got that info.

i personally almost got hit on my scooter by her as she flew up my ass in a white convertible doing 65 or so in a 30 zone here in downtown savannah.
we got to the same light anyway and i saw it was her. i was so dumbfounded i couldn't even think of anything to yell through my helmet. i just figured if there was karma, she'd have a coronary someday.

it seems everyone here in town has something bad to say about paula deen. i'm sure 80% of it is jealousy, but the rest is personal experience.

if i bother to collect it all, maybe i can sell it in a book instead of giving it away in a blog, but i'll keep my ears open for you.

[adam]

jonathon, get that damn donkey dick out of your mouth and quit bitching like a 16 yr old girl. get your panties out of a wad. I seriously hate dudes that bitch like girls over something as gay as Bizzar foods w/ andrew zimmerman. What makes this duech even more of a loser is the fact that he gets "upset" when someone says something bad about his fat mother, paula dean. Everyone knows that the best foodtv host is Giada. soooo damn sexy.

[adam]

jonathon, get that damn donkey dick out of your mouth and quit bitching like a 16 yr old girl. get your panties out of a wad. I seriously hate dudes that bitch like girls over something as gay as Bizzar foods w/ andrew zimmerman. What makes this duech even more of a loser is the fact that he gets "upset" when someone says something bad about his fat mother, paula dean. Everyone knows that the best foodtv host is Giada. soooo damn sexy.

[Jonathan Steinke]

Good to hear from you again, Zombot. You don't have to write a book (: Finally, someone's PERSONAL run-in or experience, be it good or bad. That was a relief. It will probably take a while to sink in; that is, my potential misguided affections/preconceived notions I've had all this time for Paula. Sorry to hear that yours were shattered, though, and about the run-in you had to go through for all that to change.

Craig--don't have Cablevision. It's called Charter Communications here in St. Louis and it has no affiliation to Cablevision. Secondly; okay, getting peeved like that like I did IS something I need to seriously work on. I have no shame admitting that at all. But it didn't have anything to do with "caffeine intake"...wasn't even drinking coffee at the time. It's called "not sugar-coating what's on my mind", especially when faced with several (not just one or two) comments clearly unsubstantiated in fact. I don't like reading knee-jerk comments.

[Jonathan Steinke]

Andrew Zimmermann? Duech? Wow, Adam; for a WFMU listener and blog reader, I would have thought you'd be a little more intelligent.

[eliot spitshine]

hey jonathan, you are TOO SMART. Eat me!

[Mondale Evans]

Jonathan Stinky! You yourself need to cite references, too. Just like in Wikipedia? Verify your lies.

[Patrick]

Speaking as someone with a little culinary experience, Paula Dean is along the lines of eating too much ice cream, we regret it when its over, and have no real excuse for why we wasted our time in the first place. i have only seen about 2 1/2 of paulas shows, and her food and skills are mediocher at best. As for the eat anything guy, well its not my thing, i saw a few episodes of that because it was on before No Reservations, after a couple of watches deiced it was not my thing...

last but not least Guy Fieri, now, i am willing to say that this guy is a hack. no self respecting cook would walk around with a hand full of stupid rings and bleached blond hair. its unfortunate that Gordon Ramsie has made the short sleeve chef coat popular, but Fieri has taken it to another level. as for skills, does he have any? keep in mind he did win the next food network star thing a few years ago and if i remember, the contest had less to do with knowledge of food or cooking skills and more to do with who was the less disgusting looking person you would want to hear talk about food. Guys a slob, and the food he has on his show is nothing exciting, go to your local applebes and you could find a lot of similar items.

as a cook i can say i have learned more about food from Alton Brown then i have on the job, sounds crazy, but he is our Julia Child...

[zombot]

fieri's show sounds alot like an idea i pitched to dave bird after his award winning show "junkin'" was ditched when turner south cable turned into a sports channel.
i suggested he drive around the region and eat at the scariest, seediest roadside restaurants and film the experiences in a candid way, much like junkin', where he went to flea markets.

here's a clip of just some of the magic we lost when junkin was lost to screens.(cut and paste address)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyCI3rqz1s0

[Leland]

Good eats is where I go for food info, as Alton is too brilliant for words. Why doesn't he occasionally participate in the iron chef? I realise nobody could make a better announcer, but I'd be curious to see how he'd compete.

I do occasionally watch Weird Foods, reminds me of the one interesting part of that otherwise sucky fear factor show, when they'd eat cow rectum and such. Went to check out Andrew Z's blog you referred to but it was taken down.
As a result, I wasn't able to read it, but was what he was saying along the lines of slander? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slander
If so this could explain why the post\site was removed. Either that or dude realised he was going to lose a substantial portion of his fanbase over it.

I've been visiting this site daily for almost two years, and this is my second post. It's incredible to me that such an intelligent site can attract this much rudeness as evidenced in the previous commentaries, which is precisely why I mostly stay in the shadows.

[Jonathan Steinke]

Thanx, Zombot 'n Leland! Nice change of pace with the last two comments!

Zom, that show looked cool...'preciate the link. Dave Bird seems to have a natural kind of goofiness.

Leland, I'll have to c&p the real Zimmern blog link again for you. It wasn't taken down; I don't know how that link got mixed up with another but it did somehow. Here ya are...

http://www.andrewskitchentable.com/index.php?q=node/619.

Y'two have a good Easter!

[Steve PMX]

fyi your link code for dude's blog is bad. Should be http://www.andrewskitchentable.com/index.php/

not

http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2008/03/www.andrewskitchentable.com/index.php?q=node/619

For the record, this Zimmern guy *really* loves balls in his mouth.

[Steve PMX]

oops i meant the link should be http://www.andrewskitchentable.com/index.php?q=node/619