My Aunt Karen is Your Next V.P.

Like 37,000,000 other people, I heard Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican National Convention last week. I was listening to the Yankees game on the radio, and I heard A-Rod hit the home run that made the first-ever instant replay in MLB happen, and then the Yankees won and the game was over right about the same time that Sarah Palin was supposed to read the speech that someone else had written for her. So I didn’t see Sarah Palin’s speech, but I heard it on the radio. I was listening to her, and about 10 minutes into it, I suddenly thought, “Oh, shoot! This woman sounds just like my Aunt Karen in Omaha!”

I love my Aunt Karen. She is awesome. She married my Uncle Bikey when they were super young—17? 18?—and they had three kids on not much money, and she kept it all together when everything was chaos and my Cousin Lanny was always breaking his arm or something and my one other cousin was running away from home. Aunt Karen even lived through my Cousin Derrick becoming a Dallas Cowboys fan. She was always looking on the bright side, and everything always turned out okay. She was an absolute rock, and she was very good at cooking and tole painting and other creative stuff, plus she also had that hot school teacher thing going on. I totally admire my Aunt Karen—but I don’t think she’s qualified to be Vice President.

So I was listening to that speech and thinking, “How many of the 37,000,000 other people listening to this think she sounds just like their Aunt Karen?” and it scared the crap out of me. Because how many of them were thinking, “Oh, it’s just like in a movie! If we vote for her, it’ll be like making Aunt Karen Vice President of the United States!” Won’t that be wacky and fun? It’ll be like one of those movies where some girl’s going to high school and then she finds out she’s a princess! It’s like a TV show, it’s like a sit-com, it’s like reality TV. It’s something we can all vote for, the way we vote for American Idol. And it scared me, scared me, scared me, because I think that’s what a lot of people think this election is, they think it’s like a reality TV show. And it is, except that reality shows aren’t real. But the politicians keep talking about the candidates’ “stories,” and about how they’re trying to put together “compelling narratives,” and now the Republicans have cast Sarah Palin as everybody’s Aunt Karen, America’s Hockey Mom, and how are you gonna vote her off the island?

Comments

[Jeffersonic]

"The horror....the horror...."

[K]

I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving.

[bartleby]

I still don't know. Harley Davidson is so tough, like nobody messes with Harley Davidson. But then Macintosh is smart so even if Macintosh isn't as tough he could still fool the bad guys. Harley Davidson would be all like 'Vroom, Vroom!' but then Macintosh would be all like 'these are not the droids you're looking for, sike!'
I don't care, as long as they don't put that boring stuff on every channel.

[Smelly Old Hobo]

Hoboes like pie.

[Smelly Middle-Aged Hobo]

Say hello to your new president, John McCain!

[Listner Jim]

Oprah had better get off her ass and start getting you broads back in line.

[bartleby]

I'm writing in Scarlett Johanson

[bartleby]

This next question is for both candidates: Members of the scientific community have determined that rubber cement is both rubber *and* glue. How would you defend the nation against such a threat?

[Jim]

Does your Aunt Karen totally flip out and threaten to fire librarians when they refuse to ban books she doesn't like? Sarah Palin is the Antichrist. You heard it here.

"France produced WHAT? Le Fleurs du WHAT?!"

Ka-BOOM!

something

[DJ Bronwyn C.]

How come there's a new Smelly Old Hobo? Same as the old Smelly Old Hobo? No. Apparently this is the Smelly Old Hobo of Change. And yet the new one is still writing "Hobos like pie," so it's not that much change after all. I just have to assume that whoever is posting under that name is probably the only other person who knows what the heck I'm talking about here. Alas.

[WmMBerger]

Um, think President. Your Aunt Karen is going to be President. When McCain inevitably croaks in office (as he can barely move his body around NOW), Aunt Karen will be tole painting (whatever THAT is—I'm from Jersey) while we all wallow in pain and poverty.

[Janey Yonkers]

Tole painting here: http://www.artezan.com/

[Dale Hazelton]

"A Pistol Permit for All. Abortions for None!" (whooping and cheering sounds).

[yazzwho]

This shit started happening when Ray-gun got elected. That is about the time when all manner of serious discourse evaporated. Looks, pop culture references, and good ol' boy-ism now define the role of the leader of this country. Who want's to elect some smart ass who can speak in like *two* languages, and reminds you of your boss, that meanie!.

"A Pistol Permit for All. Abortions for None!" (whooping and cheering sounds)."

DALE: Here in Tennessee it is already like that.. plus an "english only" referendum that was barely killed:

http://www.insidevandy.com/drupal/node/7716

[Jennifer Steffey]

Look who got voted into office as the GOVERNATOR. Be very scared.

[Jennifer Steffey]

I did some funny, anthropomorphic drawings of Palin if you wanna take a gander...

http://www.jennifersteffey.blogspot.com

[spaceboy]

i'm STILL voting for Ron Paul!

[Vichyssoise]

All these great comments, and it's the one by Smelly Old Hobo that gets DJ Bronwyn C. all fired up?

[Dale Hazelton]

yazzwho: thought Nashville was a tad more progressive than that. My dreams of retiring there to Stringbeans shack are dashed.

Jennifer: I like the one where she's pointing to someone in the press (I liked your Garden State logo, btw).

spaceboy: no, Pat Paulsen!

[Krys O.]

Ron Paul rejects GOP/Democrats and urges voters to vote for any, I mean ANY 3rd party candidate.

Link

That's productive.

[Brian C.]

I don't have an Aunt Karen -- my kids do -- and she sounds nothing like Palin. Sis-in-law Karen is funny, outspoken, definitely leans left, and thinks Palin sounds just like our President (I guess the shrillness, anger, whatever). However, Karen calls her "Bush with a twat" which I guess is some kind of an anti-oxymoron or something.

[Brian C.]

Actually, whenever I hear Bronwyn's show I my think sis-in-law Karen sounds like her.

[bartleby]

One thing is for sure-for there to be a winner there has to be a looser.

[Knute]

I like how you mentioned that somebody wrote the speech for her. Were you aware that all of the politicians have speechwriters? Or did you think Bill Clinton was just extemporaneously speaking? Just cause you lean left doesn't mean you have to tip over.