New Netspeak

Don't you just love Netspeak?  IFHI!

When driving became boring, just downright tedious, we invented mobile phones and in-dash DVD systems to keep it exciting.  When communication by writing and speaking human language suddenly became frightfully dull, it became necessary to invent email and IMing to give it back its zing.  This too, unfortunately, quickly took on the breadth of a Tarkovsky film and our patience was again sorely tried.  How to give language back its cocaine-infused immediacy, so that the teenage mating ritual (which once ate up hours of phone time) could neatly be reduced to a couple of high-impact acronyms?  A further reduction was clearly necessary, and Netspeak was born.

The first few times I saw LOL, I naturally assumed that it was shorthand for "lots o' luck."  Where had I been?  Under a rock in a Sam Fuller movie?  Now that written communication had achieved light speed (Texting Championship anyone?) the need arose to constantly describe our personal state (and a great many other things) in byte-size intervals.  (If you're really laughing out loud, if something is truly that funny, you shouldn't even be able to type three letters, thus "LOL" quickly becomes a benign expression of moderate, mediocre amusement.  Of the group of people that still employ LOL, what percentage do you believe are actually "laughing out loud"?  Any of them?)

Here now are my suggestions for the New Netspeak—more jazzy, snazzy, time-saving language-reductions for the upcoming generation of idiots:

FAKTN - Fantasizing about killing the neighbors
MHOINSH - My humble opinion is not so humble
ASMB - Absentmindedly scratching my balls
IFHI - I fucking hate it
MDT - Millions of disinherited taxpayers
DBMBT - Devendra Banhart, Marc Bolan's Testicle
MRAYF - My religion ate your freedom
LMAOOAML - Laughing my ass off over at Merrill Lynch
WAAD - Wearing an adult diaper
FMUBP - From my uneducated, biased perspective
FITTM - Farting in time to music
IMHOOHMI - I'm mighty horny over old, hairy, male indigents
LFSPOF - Looking for strokable pictures on Flickr
YSPISTP - Your stupid profile is set to private
IYRAADSAMM - If you're really an activist, don't send a mass mail
TSMIAC - To Serve Man—it's a cookbook!
IHUWA - I'll hook up with anything
LSHIPM - Laughed so hard I pissed myself
LOLLOL - Little old ladies lapping on Lucifer
TBPS - This blog post sucks

Feel free to contribute some of your own.

Coming up:  I create a time-teleportation device, go back and eliminate all emoticons, even the notion of them, from our world.  ;{>

Comments

[trav]

fucking HATE internet acronyms. i ask everyone that uses LOL if they really did as well. if they say they ROLFLOL'd, i pretty much never write them again. since i tend to actually WRITE out my feelings in letters, blogs or forum threads, people tend to compliment me and ask if i'm a writer.

no, i'm just an older model human who hates netspeak.
occaisionally i have to employ the :) or ;) just to let people who are NOT used to reading full sentances that i am not mad at them. even then they sometimes ask if it was a sarcastic ;).

[Mike]

Finally! A way to minimize "To Serve Man—it's a cookbook!", which I find myself using far too often.

Your list is absolutely stupendous. I am in your debt.

[Mike]

By the way, we seriously need to make DBMBT the next Internet meme.

[sid b8rz]

NGD4BHS = "naked, green, and drumming for Butthole Surfers".

[JMet]

Further proof that netspeak is evil...
http://tshirtportal.fortunecity.com/blog/images/roflmao.jpg

[Jim]

WFMU - We Find Most Unusual
KROQ - Killing Radio Obsession Quickly

[schlep]

TAS - Thinking about sandwiches
FYYCWC - Fuck you, you car wash cunt
TBHOMGTCOF - tripping balls hey oh my god the cat's on fire
ABF - angry Batman face

[Parq]

Great list! LOL!

(Well, somebody had to do it.)

[trav]

SRTSETISBODS- still reading this shit even though i should be outside doing something (not in response to this wonderful blog, BTW...OMG i did it myself...and again! damnit!)
YMPAO- yes my pants are on
CPWT- currently peeing whilst typing
IYTYABCBFT,PKIL5MOASO- if you think you are being clever by forwarding that, please know it's like 5 months old and SO over.
NRIALOLCMW- no really i am laughing out loud, check mah webcamz.

[trav]

oh and,
CCCCCC4CCC.
Ceiling Cat can check connected computers 4 chats concerning cheezburgers.

[Skeever]

TWWCONB -- "that's what we'll call our new band"

[paul]

this isn't new, and i didn't create it, but it should be used more widespread:

WTITYB: whatever tell it to your blog

Angry Batman Face love it!! roflmao (oops...)

[Krys O.]

For what it's worth, when I get an email at work pertaining to business and the sender uses animated emoticons and flashing geegaws, it makes me roll on the floor laughing my ass off.

[The R]

Ewwww!!! Clean-up on Aisle 7!

[Bud Stapler]

WFMU = What Family Members Use, Where Friends Meet Up, Why Fat Men Understand

[TIMMY!!!]

IFYSTTYPOIHS - I Fucked Your Sister That Time You Passed Out In High School

[E]

NNBOBOTWNNBOB!TODPIANEBOBOTW.....

ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall ninety nine bottles of beer!, take one down pass it around ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall...

[Holland Oats]

DMDWP

dead men don't wear plaid

[jason331/3]

i know this is late...but i wanted to add one to this honorable list.

MSMSIF - meticulously sculpting my smegma into figurines.

cheers!

[jason331/3]

that just gave me the inspiration for a band name...smegma dolls!
thoughts?