Charles Grodin Mad-Libs

The all-news radio station I listen to in the morning features occasional “commentaries” by Charles Grodin. At first I thought they were meant as jokes because they’re so random, but they’re presented dead seriously—plus, they’re not actually funny. I had to google Charles Grodin to find out he’s a former actor who somehow has convinced people that his political opinions matter. Sort of like Ronald Reagan, but without the nuclear access (as far as I know). Beethoven vs. Bedtime for Bonzo.

Grodin’s radio commentaries are very brief, and they all follow the exact same format. That makes them painful to listen to, but it also makes it easy to construct your very own Charles Grodin Commentary as a game, like Charles Grodin Mad-Libs. Here’s how it goes:

The other day I was [common daily activity] when I suddenly noticed [really, really common daily occurrence]. I called my friend [name-drop D-list politico] and asked what s/he thought. S/he said I should [really, really, really obvious thing to do.] This is Charles Grodin, for CBS 880. 

Some Examples:

1. The other day I was walking down the street when I suddenly noticed my shoes were untied. I called my friend, former New York Republican State Senator Nick Spano, and asked him what he would do in a situation like that. He thought for a moment, then advised me to stop walking, lean over, and retie my shoelaces. Next time, I’m getting those shoes with the Velcro straps. I’m Charles Grodin for CBS 880.

2. I was on the phone recently with my friend, Connecticut Republican State Senator Toni Boucher. I was interested in learning if there was anything a person could do when they were driving on the highway and they see a car going about 100 miles an hour, or more. She did some research and advised me to call 911. … I think it’s a good idea for everyone to do, wherever you live. It could save lives. I’m Charles Grodin for CBS 880.

3. The other day I was sitting on the toilet when I noticed an unusual smell. It was so unpleasant that I picked up the bathroom phone and called my old friend, Staten Island Borough President Guy Molinari to see what he had to say about it. I described the odor as best I could, but all he did was swear at me and hang up the phone. That wasn’t very helpful. This is Charles Grodin, for CBS 880.

Extra Credit: Can you tell which one of the three examples above is the text of an actual Grodin “commentary”?
Have fun, and may God bless.

Comments

[Bill V]

He did co-star in a great movie, "Midnight Run", with Robert DeNiro.

[cb3]

I vote for #2.

[sorabji]

He's usually an entertaining guest on Letterman, and he was a great guest on Carson's Tonight Show. I also thought his move to radio commentator was kind of random, though.

[DJ ManRich]

MP3s!
We must have them for the Mad Lib remix project!

Sounds like his term on talk radio might be disastrously short-lived like David Brenner's trainwreck in the mid nineties.

Or perhaps he'll manage to re-invent himself as a political talk guy like Imus did. Who knows?

I've always felt similarly about Lewis Black. I think his political stuff doesn't come off as being necessarily well-informed. He just quotes some random political outrage by the former administration and then fumes and gyrates about it. It's funny, but he's no Mort Sahl.

[Lee R.]

Sounds a bit like Stan Freberg Here from the early 90s.

[andy]

Wait--you had to google Grodin to find out who he was? You really need to see the original Heartbreak Kid...

[riffle]

I'm not sure when Grodin was last a guest on a Letterman program. But he was good for a few years there, way back when. He even had an MSNBC (or was it CNBC?) hour-long evening bullshit show for a while on whichever network that was. I quickly lost interest.

But Midnight Run really is quite a good movie (the best movie Grodin is in, I think). And Heartbreak Kid is ok in a Neil Simoney way, and I enjoyed The Great Muppet Caper as a Muppet movie. (I get the impression he's a pain to work with, reference this Illeana Douglas interview in The Onion, e.g.).

My Mad-Lib entries:

[common daily activity] = masturbating

[really, really common daily occurrence] = coughing

[name-drop D-list politico] = Al D'amato

[really, really, really obvious thing to do.] = Blow my nose and my weenie.

As for the guess, I expect that the second of your three scenarios is the true one.

[k.]

i'm guessing #2 also. I love when DeNiro asks Grodin (in Midnight Run) if he wants to get a little surf-and-turf action.

[spazz]

I have a friend who's friends with Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue. Before Charlie drops by for dinner he always checks first to see who gonna be there so he find out if he needs to wear his wig or not. He apparently hates wearing the wig.

[Krys O.]

Charles Grodin on The Tonight Show 1989

[Fatherflot]

Grodin is at his deadpan best in Albert Brook's first film "Real Life."

[DanO]

You had to google Charles Grodin?!??

[Listner Jim]

For those of you that get the Turner Classic Movies channel, Real Life is scheduled to air on April 4, and I recommend that you try to watch it.

I liked Mr. Grodin a lot in Midnight Run, too.

[chris]

He played Aarfy the soft-spoken psychopath in the movie version of Catch-22.

[Dave]

Are we really supposed to take your criticism of Grodin seriously if you had to google to know who he is? The guy is a comic genius. He's just incredibly under-stated, and THAT kind of under-statement comes from supreme confidence....its like the opposite of being manic for a laugh, and feeling like you have to fill every second with noise, like a Robin Williams or Jim Carey....Grodin is very patient...it would be like him to make 200 of these comments that collectively make a joke...you'd just have to be as patient as he is to actually get it.

[Deidra]

Charles Grodin is known for being great at playing dead-pan. He was hilarious in Heaven Can Wait and did a subdued, fairly serious role in Rosemary's Baby. He also is a very intelligent person.

[Bodz]

Pay your respek to Grodin!

Anyone who has seen his awesome (obviously) adlibbed speech in Midnight Run, when he pretends to be Agent Mosley (Yaphet Kotto) in a bar, would know the man is an underappreciated gemstone.

[Jim R.]

Back when CBS did 60 Minutes II, Grodin was that show's version of Andy Rooney.

[Kelly Jones]

Bronwyn,
You have to see Midnight Run! YOU will HATE IT cuz I know you, even though it's very funny. Charles Grodin is flat and pointless and preachy, cueing DeNiro to reply with lines like..."I only have two words to say to you...shut the fuck up." A great line from the 80's.
-Kelly
PS: Ideas for future posts...Great lines from the 80's.

[Janey Yonkers]

She's critiquing his moronic radio commentary, not his acting, right?

[Arlo]

I'm still stuck at "I had to google Charles Grodin..."

[Mary Ann Malitz]

Dear Mr. Grodin,

I love you as a writer and an actor! I just finished your book, "If I only knew then..." and I'm currently reading your newest book, "How I got to be whoever it is I am"! Fantastic!

Recently, I borrowed a CD of my VERY favorite movie that you star in called, Heartbreak Kid" so my daughter could see it and we laughed til we cried! I have tried to get a copy of this movie but it's out of print, so I used the library!

Keep on keeping on, Mr. Grodin. You are always my first priority when I hear you are on TV doing an interview, etc.

Take care! Mary Ann

[Gore Vidal]

If you think this nutbag is bad at commentary, you must read is 2 sentence column in the Daily News.Its full of Improper sentence structure and incoherent rambling.I find it utterly baffling that this guy, whose primary "accomplishment" was being an ok straight man in movie comedies, gets gigs like this, 60 Minutes, and nationally syndicated radio commentaries. I've seen better writing in fortune cookies, and heard better commentary from senile old people.

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