Welcome Back Squatter!

As some of you may know, I left New Jersey for Los Angeles two years ago. My reasons for leaving are shrouded in mystery. That is to say, they remain unclear even to myself. I remember...something...about a "job", that never panned out. Twenty-four months later, I've yet to come to my senses and leave that 500-square-mile den of iniquity. Still, I like to come back east every six months or so because my family and friends are still here, and because it turns out Los Angeles kind of sucks! Unfortunately for me, I picked a horrible week to return. It's rained each day for the last seven days, which has severely impacted my ability to enjoy every moment to its fullest potential. On top of that, a number of personal issues arose which left me feeling both depressed and fatigued. It's only natural that I've been sick for the past few days. So much for a vacation...

All things considered (wouldn't that make a clever radio program title! Oh, wait...) I wound up having quite a productive week in the New York/New Jersey area. I even ventured as far north as Vermont in my attempt to turn a piss-poor week into a more entertaining one. Now, for your viewing pleasure, one choice photograph from the past seven days of my life. Witty captions included for gay measure!

Invited to a fashion show my first night in town, I decide to make my presence felt immediately by jumping up on the runway and dancing with some of the models who, predictably, moved as far away as possible from me.


Day 2. I don't remember day 2.


What began as a friendly "welcome home" gathering at Ginger Man (11 E. 36th St) turned into a depraved, alcohol-fueled orgy of hedonism and social awkwardness.


This is one of the things I miss most when living in LA, the lack of greasy diner food. Fat chance finding a place that'll serve you all this goodness at 3am. In LA, you can choose between vegan thai food or organic artesian water. Ugh.

In an attempt to escape the escalating personal problems, a trip to Vermont is both planned and executed. During the drive, I find random secluded areas and dream of a reclusive life in a shitty farmhouse. Just me, a dog, some bourbon, and maybe an Internet Connection...

On the return trip from Vermont I stopped to contemplate the veal farm.


How good is Johan Santana? 33.8% of plate appearances against him this season have ended in a strikeout. His infield fly percentage (IF%) is a ridiculous 20.8%. Combine those, and half of the batters he has retired this year haven't even hit the ball to the outfield.

One of the fun aspects of being home is that I can see my hometown friends, with whom I can spend time being nerdy and artistic. In the olden days -- pre-Los Angeles -- an industrious group of social outcasts would come together and create weird audio nuggets for dissemination on the Internet. I guess more entrepreneurial folk would call them "podcasts". Some of the old episodes can be found here. In the spirit of nostalgia, we got the old gang together tonight and...well...we procrastinated a bit too much and then realized that we had only ten minutes to string together a mini-podcast. For old time's sake. Please enjoy this subversive free-form goodness that three losers and one Apple laptop struggled -- for ten whole minutes -- to birth into existence: Veluptuous Ribald Eulogy (MP3)

Next year week, in Jerusalem Los Angeles!

Comments

[michael C]

Great post.
Last fall, I moved to Sydney Aus. for similarly vague reasons. And it's much more expensive to fly home.
For Xmas vacation, my sister-in-law rented a beach house in the northern tropics. I was all ready to jump into the surf--right outside the house--when I was warned that the water was filled with box jelly fish that were invisible and deadly.
Michael C

[Mr Fab]

Great, just what we need here in LA...more snotty East Coasters who move here and complain about a place that has everything (except shitty weather) but insist on staying here. Why?

And there's this brilliant quote about a city with a 24 hour Denny's on every corner: "one of the things I miss most when living in LA, the lack of greasy diner food. Fat chance finding a place that'll serve you all this goodness at 3am. In LA, you can choose between vegan thai food or organic artesian water. Ugh."

[Jrld]

Hehe. Sydney. Where the spineless rent you to death instead!

[Listener James from Westwood]

Swan, how close are you in LA to Nick's Coffee Shop on W. Pico? I know of at least one displaced NYC native who swears by it.

[swan]

i'm about 10 miles from the coffeeshop. i'll check it out next time i can't sleep.

[Listener Mike D.]

Denny's is no substitute for a NJ diner.

[brock]

Maria's Cafe at Pico/San Vicente is one of the best diners I've been at in LA, only shame is that it's only open during the day but the plus is its in a bowling ally.

[Max]

"This is one of the things I miss most when living in LA, the lack of greasy diner food. Fat chance finding a place that'll serve you all this goodness at 3am. In LA, you can choose between vegan thai food or organic artesian water. Ugh."

-Fred62 in Los Feliz has what you're looking for, and they're open late-late. Great menu.
-Swingers (several locations) is another diner also open very late.

If you're eating during the day, my favorite home-style place is called Grub -- 911 Seward Street Hollywood CA

Best,
Max