You may have seen the news story a few weeks ago about Chen Fuchao and Lai Jiansheng. It happened in Guangdong Province, on a bridge that's become fairly well known as a place to jump from if you'd like to commit suicide, which Chen Fuchao did because he was really in debt. So Chen climbs way up on the bridge, but he can't bring himself to jump and he can't go back, either, because he owes everybody money and his life totally sucks. Pretty soon he's holding up traffic, sitting up there, and everything's backed up for 5 hours before the emergency service guys finally show up and start inflating the big air cushion for Chen to land on when he jumps.
Meanwhile, here comes retired soldier Lai Jiansheng, who's 66 years old and not putting up with any of this crap. He climbs up the scaffolding of the bridge—pretty spry, for an old guy—and leans over and says something to Chen, and Chen says something back, and Lai puts his hand out and he and Chen shake hands, and Lai claps Chen on the shoulder—and then he pushes him off. Chen falls, and lands on the partially inflated emergency air cushion, and injures his spine and his elbow but doesn't die. So now he's in the hospital, and he's charged with "disturbing public order," and he still owes everybody money.
Lai claims he was just fed up with Chen's "selfish activity," not to mention all those other stupid jerks who've been climbing up on the bridge and backing up traffic. "They do not really dare to kill themselves," Lai says. "Instead, they just want to raise the relevant government authorities' attention to their appeals." So he's charged with "causing intentional injury," but I doubt he really cares.
When I used to do a show on WFMU, I had a semi-regular feature called "Douche of the Week," and that's why I keep thinking about this story: Which one was the bigger douche? Chen, for being a whiny little attention-seeking fuck-up, or Lai for being a crabby old asshole? And that is my question for you, oh happy Listener.
Thanks for reading my blogpost this time, and may God bless.
It has to be Lai -- he presumably could have pulled Chen back onto the bridge but instead took an action that, in California at least, would probably be charged as attempted murder. That's just too far to go to express annoyance at a whiny loser.
Posted by: Brian Oregon | June 16, 2009 at 08:00 PM
I agree, if Lai succeeded in killing Chen how would anybody get their money back?
Posted by: bartelby | June 16, 2009 at 09:07 PM
Ah the douche bags of the world make me laugh. This one had me rolling.
Posted by: Sister Hairy Hymen | June 16, 2009 at 10:28 PM
Chen because his serious injuries will prevent him from repaying his debt to Chinese society. And this will no doubt give him more incentive to be a whiny douchebag fuckup.
But Lai is not far behind because he should have known that it was possibly too late to push Chen to his death once the emergency service guys started inflating the giant cushion. Then again, Lai probably brought less dishonour upon his country by maiming Chen than killing him.
Posted by: therichanator | June 16, 2009 at 10:32 PM
Chen is the aspirant. Lai is the shaman. I throw hexagram 24, Return ( the turning point ). The sequence reads "Things cannot be destroyed once and for all. When what is above is completely split apart, it returns below." So old mann Lai comes along, waits for the raft to inflate, and knocks Chen's ass right into satori ( if you don't mind my mixin' my spooks ). Fucking genius.
Posted by: K. | June 16, 2009 at 11:29 PM
Actually after a good night's sleep, I think I'm kind of a douchebag for making light of Mr. Chen's now considerably worsened plight. Was this intended to be a trick question?
Posted by: bartelby | June 17, 2009 at 07:07 AM
Such language, Firecracker!
Posted by: Listener Ralphine | June 17, 2009 at 12:55 PM
I can't not laugh at this. I know the guy's in trouble and pain, but this is a really funny story in an existential way. I can't figure out which one is the bigger douche. Maybe life is.
Posted by: Clarence | June 17, 2009 at 04:27 PM
If people were a little more prudent with their time and mmoney, they would have the 5 hours to spare.
If automobiles were equipped with an instant death ray the whole process could have been expedited.
I think the latter would open up opportunities for tow truck drivers, thus stimulating the economy more generally so people would have the 5 hours to spare even if they were a little less than prudent. Then, if someone chose a more quaint method of killing themselves like the boulder tied to the leg off the bridge, something cute like that, people would have the time to sit back and enjoy.
So yeah, my solution is to equip automobiles with instant death rays.
Posted by: bartlebyvqf | June 18, 2009 at 12:29 PM