80s Action Movie Cliches: The Witty Retort

Last year a friend loaned me his copy of Commando, the Arnold Schwarzenegger action film that may be the most pure and concise example of the manly-man manness that typified the action movies of my teenage years. I had never seen the film before, because during the rise of the Reagan-era Hollywood action hero I was too busy watching David Lynch films and being all arty and shit. Little did I know what I had been missing.

And so, I hit up the video rental store and filled my Netflix queue with nothing but action movies from those formative years (approximately 1983 - 1992, my cut off date being a combination of the influence of Terminator 2 and the rise of Michael Bay, which I think lead to a new era of action films that were more action-effects-explosion driven). For two months my brain was crammed with nothing but testosterone, ass whoopins, gun play, and witty quips. I decided to share a little of what I learned from this experience by putting together a few examples of the best of what the 80s Action Movies really have to offer.

Here is part one of a continuing series, which features a sampling of some of my favorite (and iconic) witty retorts. I'm sure I missed some good ones (and some I held back on purpose for use in upcoming videos), so please chime in with your own favorites in the comments.

If you would like a full rundown of the films of the era, check out the Ruthless Reviews Guide to 80s Action, which was pretty much my bible while submerging myself in the blood and guts and guns and muscles of the Reagan era hero.

Comments

[c]

Great stuff. I'd be curious to know if you found more kicks-ass-while-reciting-miranda-rights scenes. I can't think of any in particular but there must be many more.

[M Munro]

They Live is the greatest, obviously.

[Andrew]

The best of all time is from one Snake Plissken - "When I get back, I'm going to kill you."

and then "I'm too tired."

[Jeffersonic]

I've often referred to my fave bad action movie, "Stone Cold" (a Brian Bosworth (!?!) vehicle), with its heroes who look ridiculous, admirably vicious villains, illogical, unlikely responses, intense action scenes and some great dialogue.
At the end of the film, Lance Henriksen, who plays the leader of a murderous, anarchic biker gang, is dressed as a priest to
carry out an assassination, and at the scene's climax says something like, " At times like these, I'm reminded of my father's last words which were; 'Don't son, that gun's loaded!' "

[Vin Mariani]

My favorite quip is Stallone in Demolition Man: "You're gonna regret that for the rest of your life...all 2 seconds of it!"

[J H]

I always liked the Miranda rights bits in the Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines comedy "Running Scared". There was one version Crystal gives to some drug dealers that have guns pointed at Hines.
Crystal: "I love this part: Put down your weapons, you're all under arrest."
Thug: "No hablo ingles."
Crystal: [shoving gun up thug's nose] "Oh. Hablo Smith and Wesson? You have the right to remain Dead. Anything you say will be held against you. You have the right to a Coroner. If you can't afford one, we will appoint a Medical Examiner for you."

[M Munro]

Actually, I recant my previous statement. The greatest ever comes courtesy of Father McGruder in Dead Alive: "I kick ass for the LORD!"

[michael C]

I faintly recall hearing that andy b punched up a few action movie scripts with such witty retorts...

[Joe]

HERE IS SUB ZERO

NOW

PLAIN ZERO

[Account Deleted]

@c - Great idea. I didn't see too many in my experiment, but there were a lot of cop/buddy cop movies that I skipped over. But there are some pretty sweet Badge and Gun montages out there.
@Jeffersonic - Stay tuned! Some of my future posts have some classic Stone Cold moments. That film is WAY more fun that it has any right to be.
@JH - Man, when I was a kid I thought Running Scared was a really cool movie. I didn't have the heart to watch it again though, because my feelings for Billy Crystal have changed so much. Now he just skeeves me out.
@Joe - Good one! There are so many good lines in The Running Man, it was hard to pick just one.

[larry]

I work at a library and we get "Incident Reports" when unruly patrons break the rules. Apparently when the library cop threatened a drunken manic with pepper spray the dude said "I eat that shit for breakfast." I was shocked when the cop didn't reply something like "well here's lunch motherfucker" I guess he didn't watch the right movies in the 80's, or maybe he just left that out of the report. The accompanying mugshot showed a very pepper sprayed mofo.

also, before I saw yr video I thought, "I wonder if he has that awesome quote from Cobra that I can't remember." after watching the video I realize that awesome doesn't always hold up after 25 years.

[Steve]

Great job! Don't forget Dolph! I Come In Peace has a classic