I was feeling a little glum one day a few weeks ago, and I started moaning (via email) to DJ Kelly about how when I die nobody's gonna come to my funeral, etc. etc. boo-hoo-hoo, and this is what she replied:
Your fucking funeral would be so humongous that I shudder to think about how annoying it would be if you died. I would organize the memorial service, of course, and do my best to keep out spotlight-seeking mother-in-laws. There would be every WFMU person there, including some you hate, and rabid fans hoping to claw their names into your coffin. Your death would inspire copy-cat suicides by at least two Listeners. The mayor of your tiny Upstate town would declare a special moment of silence at the dog park, 
and Baxter would get a special little pallbearer’s outfit and sit on top of your coffin during the procession through town, howling in pain. I would go to the NY Times with a gun and force someone there to write an entire full-page obituary about you and your legacy, if only in order to make you turn over in your grave. Afterward, I would visit you at your gravesite on top of some sunny little hill on a peaceful slope somewhere in Westchester. And your headstone would be engraved with "May God Bless," with a picture of your face that you would never recognize.
Don't die or I'll kill you.
I just want to point out that I do not "hate" anyone at WFMU. Certainly not.
Thanks for reading my funeral plans, and may God bless.
All too true, I'm afraid. It would be convenient for you, in some ways, if it were otherwise (but inconvenient in other ways). Trust me, I know; I am DJ Kelly's secret soul-mate!
BTW, I want to be cremated and compressed into a box of pencils -- saw it on The Web somewhere.
Posted by: Listener #109577 | July 20, 2009 at 05:32 PM
Westchester isn't far from Hampton Bays.
http://www.jeffpidgeon.com/2007/03/story-of-vincenzo-riccardi.html
Posted by: Kevin | July 20, 2009 at 10:24 PM
I love friends: that is absolutely beautiful.
Posted by: Forrest | July 20, 2009 at 11:44 PM
Make a CD of music to play at your funeral. I don't want cheesy organ music playing at mine.
Posted by: Dale | July 21, 2009 at 09:48 AM
This has been added to my ever-growing "Why I Love Kelly Jones" list.
Posted by: WmMBerger | July 21, 2009 at 10:20 AM
If it makes you feel any better, Firecracker, I'll do my best to see that the funeral home doesn't saw off your legs to fit you into a casket.
Posted by: Listener Ralphine | July 21, 2009 at 11:29 AM
A woman I cohabitated with years ago, later died suddenly. Nobody came to claim the body. For all I know she's in a copper canister someplace. Her then boyfriend described her as having "dropped dead."
After she moved out she got a job with the landlord of my building and I am pretty sure she had a hand in finally getting my name on the lease. I was never able to thank her for that.
Bronwyn, the story gets sadder from there. That is not you, so cheer up.
Posted by: bartelby | July 21, 2009 at 07:28 PM
Love ya Bronwyn, but your demise wouldn't be completely bad; if you go, Moe Tucker officially becomes the coolest person alive.
Posted by: LIstener Ed | July 23, 2009 at 02:22 PM
This is delightful and made me smile.
Now, *my* funeral on the other hand....
Posted by: Ike | July 23, 2009 at 04:55 PM