
Back in September,
I announced the Potentially Annual 2009 DJs Bronwyn and Kelly Xmas Xontest
right here on WFMU’s Beware of the
Blog because last year DJ Kelly and I had a competition to see who would be the first to hear Christmas Music Played in a Store. I won! November 10, 2008,
in the dark and deserted men’s department at Lord & Taylor. But now I don’t
work in Midtown anymore, and I doubt I will ever go to L&T again, so this
year we opened the Xontest to All Listeners and solicited your reports, with a
prize to be designated later.
Given that Halloween
started in mid-August this year, I was certain we’d have Christmas music by
late September. But no! So far, there have been just two reports—from Listener
Brian C. and Listener Zoe—of Christmas music being played in CD departments where Christmas CDs
are being sold, which is not the same thing as subliminal Buy-Now
arrangements wafting over the P.A. Neither Listener Brian C. nor Listener Zoe
reported whether or not the CDs were any of the new crap crop of
Cynical-Record-Company Christmas albums by, like, Bob Dylan or Sting or David Archuleta (you do too
know who!), or even Tori Amos
hahahahahahaha.
Listener John-From-NJ-Who-Lives-in-Salt-Lake-City claims to have heard the local ice-cream truck
playing Christmas Carols (“Good King Wenceslas,” one of my favorites) in
mid-September. But that’s Utah, and it might have been Mormon Christmas that
day, for all I know. Another Listener said s/he heard one Christmas song in the
grocery store last summer, but it was only one and s/he thought at the time it
was just a mistake. I saw faux-Victorian carolers singing “Jingle Bell Rock” in
a Disney marketing extravaganza on October 30, but that was just wrong.
So! What does this tell
us about the state of the economy, I wonder? Last year, stores started up
Christmas way early—this year, not so
much. Perhaps they learned their lesson when even the big department stores
(remember them?) were staying open 24 hours a day and discounting everything by
97% and still couldn’t unload all that crap. This year I think they are keeping
smaller inventories and maybe realizing that people are always going to buy something for someone for the holidays, no matter what. I think retailers are sitting and waiting
in their stores, like fat, greasy spiders in their webs, waiting for the
helpless little consumer to fly in with his hobo $40 cash horde. Or maybe it’s
just that I haven’t had time to walk into a single store since I started my
awesome new job. Maybe it’s a mad Xmas bacchanal all over, and I just don’t
know about it.
But I do get Christmas catalogs! Ever since
the Art Institute of Chicago Museum Store opened the floodgates on August 28,
hardly a day has gone by without two or three Holiday catalogs flopping in through
the mail slot and driving the dog nuts. I thought print was dead, but
apparently not. Catalogs are like the cargo-cult version of magazines, and I
look through all the catalogs in the same way I used to look at magazines, when
magazines still existed. Okay, here is my favorite one
so far this year: The
Vermont Country Store! Everything is so traditional and old-fashionedy, just
like Christmas used to be! For example, on page 81, they are featuring a real,
old-time clitoral stimulator. Yessiree! Although it’s made of plastic, which is
not really like Grandma’s clitoral stimulator that Gramps whittled for her out
of a boxwood branch, not even like the store-bought clitoral stimulators you
used to see in those big glass jars at the general store, the ones made out of
wood that only cost a penny. But still … it’s great to know that someone is
still making these, and that some folks are going to have a little bit of real
Christmas Cheer in their stockings this year.
As for the Xontest, now that we’re past last
year’s winning date of November 10, I think we should call the whole thing off.
Therefore, by the powers invested in me as a Former WFMU DJ, I hereby anoint
Listener Paul Turkk the Winner-by-Default of this year’s Xmas Xontest. Listener
Paul reported that he heard some Christmas music playing on a Glade air
freshener commercial on the TV from another room of his house on November 2,
which doesn’t have much to do with the contest at all but seems to be the best
we’re gonna get this year. Congratulations, Listener Paul! Merry Christmas, and
may God bless! (And thanks to Bowling Trophy for that great snowman photo.)